Episode 17/Transcript
(Mikayla is trying to reach something in a cabinet) Mikayla: Eh! Eh! Eh! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Jayna: What is it Mikayla? Mommy's busy with her Adderall and Zinfandel. Zinferall... Adderdel... Zinafa... Zan can... Mikayla: Mom! I can't reach the Gushers! Jayna: Mikayla, you already had a pack of Gushers this afternoon. Mikayla: Yeah. What's your fucking point? Shay: (enters) Jesus Mikayla, shut the fuck up. I ate the last bag of Gushers while you were taking your afternoon bath, you dirtball. Mikayla: Oh, well, in that case, Shay, I suggest you sleep with one eye open. Jayna: Mikayla, what does Mommy say about making threats we know we can't keep? Mikayla: Oh, no Mommy, I will keep it. Jayna: You heard her, Shay. One eye open. Cameron: (enters) Hiye! Jayna: Hiye! Shay: Hiye! Mikyla: Hiye! Shay: Nice of you to show up, Cameron. Cameron: Save it Shay, I just had to break up with my twenty-nine year old boyfriend today, ok? Jayna: Oh no sweetie, why? Cameron: Because I got a brand new thirty-one year old boyfriend! Suck it bitches! Yeah, my new boyfriend is so much more mature. My old boyfriend was always like, "Oh, I just got divorced, why'd you give me herpes?" And my new boyfriend is all like, "Fuck my ex-wife, I already had herpes and I don't even care." Jayna: Shay, sweetie, when is your little friend coming over? Cameron: Oh great, do we get to entertain another one of Shay's "investigate my vagina" boys. Mikyla: Seriously, Shay, just commit to the dick. Shay: Uh, no, actually, I invited Deandra to dinner. (Everyone gasps) Jayna: Why am I gasping? I already knew that. Shay: Ugh, Mom are you talking to yourself again? Jayna: Girls night! Cameron: Shay, why would we invite Deandra over? Isn't she just a little pissed off that, you know, that we ripped her arms off? Jayna: (gasps) Um, nope, definitely knew that one too. Shay: Cameron, she said doesn't care about that anymore. She has new arms now. Deandra: (knocks) (offscreen) Sorry. Wrong arm. Jayna: Come in. Cameron, Shay, Mikayla and Jayna: Hiye! Deandra: Sup. Jayna: Deandra! I love what you've done with your nubs! Deandra: Thanks, don't scuff it up. My dad's still making payments. Hey Shay. Shay: What? Mikayla: Hi Deandra! Deandra: Hello Gizmo. Cemaron: So Deandra, have you heard the big news that everyone's talking about? I have a new boyfriend! Yo tengo un nuevo hombre. Deandra: Oh sorry, I must've missed that one. You know I've been kind of busy getting my arms reattached. Remember, the ones that you ripped out of their sockets! Cameron: Is it gonna be like this all night? Deandra: I'm sorry, I just needed to get that off of my chest... Similar to the way that you ripped my arms off of my chest. That was the last one. Cameron: Alright fine. Jayna: Oh no, Mommy's glass is empty. Time for you girls to make a zinfandel run. Shay: Mom, none of us are twenty-one. You have to go get it yourself. Jayna: Shay, mommy can't drive right now. Because of the baby. Yes, the baby. Shay: No, mommy can't drive because Officer Midnight Visits took her license away. Jayna: His name is Rick. Rick Midnight Visits. Shay: Ugh, c'mon Deandra, let's go. Deandra: Oh, is that something we're going to do after we eat? Cameron: Trust me, the last thing we need before a meal is my mother sobering up. The last time, she made us pray. Jayna: Biye! Cameron, Mikayla, and Shay: Biye... (Outside a convenience store) Shay: Alright, you three stay out here. I've got a plan. (Shay enters and brings a bottle to the cashier) Shay: Just this for today. Blake: I'm gonna need to see some ID. Shay: Nevermind. (walks back outside) Cameron: I thought you said had a plan. Shay: I did. Go inside. Buy the zinfandel. Then leave. Cameron: Oh you're right, Shay. I guess the only part of your plan that didn't work was the whole goddamn thing! Deandra: Oh well, guess we failed. We should probably go eat an entire meal and reorganize. Cameron: Deandra, we're not going anywhere. I should've done this myself from the start. If there's one thing that I've learned in college, it's how to get alcohol from boys. (Cameron enters the store and brings a bottle to the cashier) Cameron: Oh, hi, nice vest! Just the zinfandel for today. Blake: Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID. Cameron: Oh, of course. (Cameron lowers the top of her dress, exposing her breasts) Oh look, golden girls fell out! Anything else? Blake: Uh, you don't remember me do you, Cameron? Cameron: Um, no, I don't remember most people. Blake: Blake Jensen. Cameron: Um, nope. Blake: I was starting quarterback our senior year. Cameron: Blake with a B... you threw a ball? Blake: Um, yeah, we were on prom court together... Cameron: I remember prom. I was prom queen! Blake: We dated for two years. Cameron: Dated, monogamously? I definitely don't remember you. Blake: Then you dumped me for a twenty-nine year old after graduation. Cameron: Oh, right. Blake! You look so good! Blake: No, I don't. Cameron: Dammit! Blake: And you're not twenty-one. Cameron: Goddammit! (Cameron exits outside) Shay: Well, what happened, Cameron? The saggy sisters didn't get us any booze? Cameron: Oh that's so cute, my little sister made a funny joke. Shut the fuck up. The ghost of Christmas past wouldn't sell me anything. Deandra: Awesome! Can we go eat now? Mikayla: Don't worry. I've got this! (Mikayla places a bottle on the cashier's table while being unseen) Blake: Hello? (pause) Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID. Mikayla: Goddammit! (Mikayla exits outside) Mikayla: Nothing. Shay: Oh well, there's a Quik Trip about three miles down. Maybe we can pay a homeless man to buy us some zinfandel. Deandra: I'm sorry, but I was invited here for dinner, not some Indiana Jones zinfandel hunt. I could be at the torta bar at Jose's Peppers right now but instead I'm here with you three think-for-yourselfers. Now step aside, if it's a bottle of zinfandel that stands between me and several helpings of chicken fried prime rib, then a bottle of zinfandel you shall have. Cameron: What the fuck is chicken fried prime rib? (walks off) Shay: I don't know, but Mom definitely doesn't know how to make anything except corn dogs. Cameron: For sure. Blake: Hi, can I see your— (Deandra grabs and holds Blake by her robotic arm) Deandra: Listen, I am buying this bottle of wine. Now you can sell it to me or I can sell your organs on the black market! So far tonight, your little power trip has cost me twenty-five minutes that I could've spent eating a delicious chicken fried prime rib dinner! So, while I hold your fragile little life in my stainless steel fingertips, I ask you cashier, do you need my ID? Do you? Blake: No, we're good. Deandra: Great. I'm also going to take these Funyuns. And a Slim Jim. And a Twix. No, Snickers. No, Twix. No, I don't want to ruin my appetite... both. (back outside) Shay: Jesus, Deandra, what did you get? Deandra: Justice. And a Slim Jim.